Can’t Sleep.

So I have been holding it together really well so far

(up until about 3 hours ago). 

 I am now officially terrified. 

 My stomach is churning. 

 I can’t sleep. 

I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs. 

What if this is the last night that we will ever all be together at home.

 

 

I am just not ready to start down this path just yet. 

 I feel like I need a couple more weeks,

but I know in my heart that I would feel this same way, even then.  

 

I know that he is uncomfortable, I know he needs to get fixed. 

I know how lucky we are to live in a time and place where all of these options are even available…

There just is something so definite about leaving for Boston tomorrow morning and I am utterly terrified. 

6 thoughts on “Can’t Sleep.”

  1. You haven’t met me – my name is Lisa and I have a little boy with complex CHD. I have been following Logan so closely from Anne Marie S.’s original post.

    That night before…I couldn’t sleep either. I knew a 10-14 hour surgery was ahead. I held him in my arms – did everything I could to memorize him…his smell…the weight of him in my arms…the little noises he made in his sleep. I wanted to be PAST the surgery and onto healing. I wanted to be where I am today – and you will be soon. Two years later, my once weakening infant is now a silly, playful, strong little nut, tormenting brother and destroying Lego buildings in his wake…all boy…and Logan will be too. Will be following closely and you will all be in my heart…

    Lisa

    PS – We researched surgeons all over the country ad nauseum prior to my son’s surgery. Del Nido and Spray are phenomenal. Logan is in great hands.

  2. I have been following your sons story for a few weeks now for a few heartfelt reasons, but never felt i should say something till tonight. I am feeling so many emotions right now reading your latest post, of course you are terrified, a big journey is ahead for you. He is so precious, and i loved looking at the new pics you put up tonihgt..they really hit home for me. My son is also named Logan, and we went through very similar situations with you, and your son has the same tired look on his face that our Logan did towards the end…its really emotional. All I can say about us is he did end up with a transplant at 6 months old. He is now 10 months old and catching up on everything he couldnt do before cuz he too was just working hard to breathe….he is such a joy and I am praying for a happy path for your son as well. I just wanted to say that after reading your words, transplant did save my son and its not as terible as it first seems. Of course I am hoping the doctors there in Boston can repair his heart and it wont be needed….I will be thinking about you and your Logan everyday.

    1. Thank you so much for commenting. Hearing stories like yours is the only thing that keeps me positive. I am so glad things worked out for your little boy and I know kids thrive with transplants it is like you said just so scary. Thanks for thinking about us. Please keep in touch.

  3. By now you are probably sitting in DC on your layover. You guys have been in my thoughts so much and I know it will be some time before you are able to get any sleep. The unknowns and what-ifs are more frightening than anything else. I wish there was something I could tell you to make the thoughts a little less scary, but I know you…you will still be thinking them. Logan is strong and is going to be in the best hands possible…those are good signs. Besides…I didn’t get to meet him before you left, so I am totally expecting to meet all of you when you get home in a couple weeks.

  4. I will be thinking of you all. The best advice I can offer is to try and sleep as much as you can now. You want to be as well rested as possible for after surgery. I remember thinking I wish I was not so tired when C came out.

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